Dealing with Depresssion

Hey you all!!! I know it has been awhile. As I always say. But it has literally been almost a year! But so much has happened in these 10 months, and that would have to another post for another day. But today we are obviously talking about depression. Now I have always been very vocal about my life and dealing with anxiety and depression. I don’t need to have it as a secret. And I also feel like it helps to talk about it so that it encourages others to explain what they are dealing it.

So for the last maybe 5-6 months my depression has really been at a all time high. Normally I am able to deal with it on my own. Isolate, meditate, stop drinking, getting rid of any negative energy, and changing my daily routine. But nothing seem to work this time, it had got to the point that I thought I need professional help. I had a major break down, while in a room with nothing but friends having a good time. I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I felt nothing but sadness for weeks. To the point I got up and cried to my mother about it.

Now mind you nothing in my life is really wrong. I still have a pretty good paying job to be only 26 and no degree, my kids are health and smarter than ever, my health is pretty good, makeup business is doing great, still in school and taking my time, and I FINALLY just moved in to my first apartment. So why am I feeling like this? I try to explain to others but most don’t understand. Always asking well what if it is nothing going wrong, you should be grateful and happy. But it definitely doesn’t  work like this.  The one thing I have notice is that I stopped writing, I used to write poetry all the time! Just getting my thoughts out and really clear my head out. So I wrote this;

Depression is such a complex word…

Depression is the anxiety you feel, and the drinking to help numb it

It is the loneliness you feel, and the stranger that lies next to you to make you forget it

It is the tiredness you feel that sleep cannot cure.

Or when your family say you lack motivation. But they don’t know you can’t see yourself in the future.

It comes in so many forms

Hidden for days, sleeping for hours, shouting at love ones.

Your seem to be losing yourself in the mist of it.

It is the guilt of the things that you have done

And the fear of the failures that you have yet to attempt.

Constantly thinking everything you are doing is wrong in some way…

I haven’t been able to really see that I was suffering because I tend to keep myself so busy that I don’t get a moment to reflect or think. Sometimes it can be helpful other days it can be a real struggle.

If you need help or someone to talk to please try your love ones and if they can’t truly understand please contact a professional or even the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255, you can also text them as well.

Thank you for reading.

Choices

Choices, man where do I began. I can hear everyone saying well its your choice but make sure you make the right one. Like I feel like that all I’ve been hearing lately. But when all reality I don’t even know what the right choice is. When I make decision I do it based on how it effects my kids and I (mostly my kids). Now I have been working hard and things have been flowing a lot more easier in a lot of the elements in my life. Now I am still single. But for the most part I like this way. No really commitments or obligations. Now even though I’m single I’m far from lonely. But I guess some of my most recent choices have some my close friends concerned. And I get why, but shit what am I really to do. But to be honest I’m at this point again where I don’t want to tell anybody what’s going on. Because I don’t want to feel judged. Half the time I don’t know if it the right or wrong choice. All I know is it makes me happy, even in the moment, It puts me in a place that I once was so close to, that moment where there are no problems, no arguments, no he said she said, just pure emotions, and  with all realness I love it.

Now I won’t going into details about what I’m talking about. But choices are what makes or break a situation. I live my life with nothing but positive energy. I like positive thoughts, saying, and criticism. Now I know what you’re thinking positive criticism? Yes, you can give people criticism  without being negative. When you put negativity in the air, only negative things will happen. I like to think that what I put in the universe is what I will get back. Now this years has just started and I have had my ups and downs but for the most part it has been nothing but ups.  Some times we get so focused on what people will think about the things we do and don’t want to do. Now I have been like this before always worried about what people will think about who I’m with, what we’re doing, and how picture perfect everything will look like. But really to be honest FUCK THAT SHIT!

Now please don’t think that something serious is going on, shit to be honest I don’t know. I’m just going with the flow. But I like it so far. So when it comes to your choices do what makes you happy even if people don’t like the choices you are and will be making.

peace, love, and positivity

Side Chick Music

Soo lets talk real quick. It was brought to my attention that SZA is supposedly “side chick music.”  Now if you really listen to SZA you would know what she is all about. But most people refer to her based off of her song “The Weekend” Where she says

“You say you got a girl
How you want me?
How you want me when you got a girl”

“My man is my man is your man
Heard that’s her man
Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday
I just keep him satisfied through the weekend”

And yeah on the outside looking in it sound exactly like that. But take it from this stand point. What if you were dealing with a man who is supposedly in love with two or more woman? each woman knows about each other and are okay with what is going on with him. Does that make her a side chick? who is really the main chick? But really is it just her saying shit he is for everybody!?

SZA isn’t this “Hey everybody lets just play these nigga how the play us!” She is about empowerment. Her songs are about the things she has and is going through. I bring this topic up because of her new music video Supermodel. The video begin with her doing what all woman do looking in the mirror pick at ourselves, with her “man” in the back laugh at her. These kids come and make her feel beautiful. As she is walking the road in a forest she is straight WORKING and SLAYING!!!! But while walking she see’s her man laughing at her again.

“I could be your supermodel
If you believe
If you see it in me
See it in me
See it in me

I don’t see myself
Why I can’t stay alone just by myself
Wish I was comfortable just with myself
But I need you”

That is the words of a woman that constantly fight with her self esteem something we all have trouble with. Its the same with the song Drew Barrymore

“I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth
We get so lonely, we pretend that this works
I’m so ashamed of myself think I need therapy-y-y-y
I’m sorry I’m not more attractive
I’m sorry I’m not more ladylike
I’m sorry I don’t shave my legs at night
I’m sorry I’m not your baby mama
I’m sorry you got karma comin’ to you
Collect and soak in it right”

Here’s something from Broken Clocks

“All I got is these broken clocks
I ain’t got no time
Just burning daylight
Still up still up
Its still love its
Still love still love still loving still love
Nothing but love for you
Nothing but love
Nothing but love”

In the end of all of this SZA is a real one. She sings about being in these crazy stages of our lives in these crazy ass 20’s. Where you would think we would be past self esteem issues, bad relationships, and toxic love. But it life and we gotta keep pushing through. But next time you listen to supposedly “side chick music” listen to the story and not just the chicks who live their lives off of being a side chick. And just saying Shirley Murdock – As We Lay is side chick music lol but its still my jam! Tell me what you think about SZA -CTRL!

peace, love, and positivity

What I love and Why I love it

So I’m going to give you a quick story on why I love to do makeup and how I began this journey with it.

When I was about 15, I would say that was when I first notice that I was interested in makeup. I loved the colors of the eye shadows my mother had, How the black eyeliner would make my eyes pop. (I have light brown eyes.) It just use to be simply things like a little eyeliner here and there. Now of course I wasn’t the greatest at applying it but it was a start.

 

 

 

 

Now my senior prom is when I really got into makeup, I went to MAC to get it done as usually but this time the girl used so many colors and products I was so interested. asking question; What is this for? How do you use this?

 

 

 

Now I go off to college and start experimenting. But still not knowing nothing about contouring and highlighting or the importance of EYEBROWS!! But at least my base was even. lol

 

 

 

I leave college and just kind of do my own thing for awhile got to a relationship and really rarely wore makeup but here are a few pictures. Mind you still a working progress.

And then in 2014 I had my sons, I became a stay at home mom. I didn’t really do too much at home beside take care of my son’s and go to school. So  I watched YouTube makeup tutorials all day. How to contour and highlight, how to correctly do you eyebrow. HIGHLIGHTERS!!!! Eyeliner, Eye shadow blending. I had found my life goal. Once I started practicing, people would compliment me on my makeup all the time. How do I do this or that? Who does my makeup? Will I do their’s? I had truly found what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Now I have never loved doing anything as much as I love doing my makeup and others too. It is my everything. I wonder for years what I wanted to do with my life. I have changed my major so many times from psychology, to early education, to IT, to now finally Business. I want to build myself a brand and create something I can give to my children when they come of age. I learned that within the last year that if you don’t follow your dreams and goals that what are you really doing?

 

Live Healthy ❤

 

 

Why you bother me when you know you don’t want me?

Photo credit : Rolling Stone

So lately I have been listening to a lot of SZA – CTRL, and if you haven’t. YOU SHOULD! It has me thinking, why do men bother you when we both know they don’t want you. A lot of the time my mom will say because they don’t want no one else to have you. They would rather make your life miserable, then to see you happy with someone else. Its a bit selfish. But then that brought me to do woman do it as well? Now I can only speak for myself. The only thing I ever wanted to see from any of my ex’s was that the excelled or advanced. In every relationship you are in, you are supposed to take something from that relationship whether its good or bad its supposed to be something to make you a better person. Most don’t but I try to. My longest relationship I was in, he would always tell me how I lack the ability to be honest. And for awhile of our relationship he was right. But then I decide I wasn’t going to keep the truth to myself, whatever needed to be said would be said. And if you don’t like what I say so be it, at least it has been said. It’s all about growth.

Now this brings me to my next talking point, its strange that all 20’s years go through this stage were we are trying figure why we don’t have a beautiful relationship like others, especially if we have all the tools to be in. My mother sent me a video that explained why most of us are still single or why we haven’t found the “one” John Gray // He Who Finds A Wife // 2016. You can click the link to hear his speech. But basically he saying that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” which by the way is one of my favorite bible scriptures. But I guess my favorite thing about the whole video was that you are not a wife when he puts a ring on you. You have become his wife. But you were a wife before he found you. You have carry yourself as a wife, to be treated like a wife. But when you walk in the spirit of a girlfriend you will forever be a girlfriend. You have to act taken to be found. You have to have the characteristic of a wife to be chosen to be someone wife. So it had me thinking am I carrying myself as a girlfriend? It also had me thinking of the many people I know that have been in long term relationship 5+ years and yet they are not married. So does that mean they are only seen as girlfriends. Because most will say they cannot afford a ring or a wedding right now. But the ring does not symbolize your marriage, you two do. And hell you can always get tattoos on  your ring finger. You can always get married in the court house and have a small dinner with your close family. So once again why aren’t you married?

The real reason for it all is that we aren’t supposed to be out looking for love, we are supposed to be out looking for ourselves. Love comes to those who love themselves. Have you ever noticed that when you are focusing on yourself and expanding your life, you start to draw attention to yourself from the opposite or same sex? Now someone in that crowd means well for you but the other’s mean to destroy you. And its hard to filter it out. But with time things do change. But as long as you focus on creating and evolving yourself all the great things will fall into place.

check out my previous blogs 25 and still fucking single… and The Typical Life of a Baby Momma

And please watch out for my first video on YouTube about my life as a Typical Baby Momma. I will be posting my first video next week.

 

Live Healthy ❤

Going Bra Less

Yep you read correct! I’ve decided to go bra less. Now I know you’re like wtf for? I’ve been doing my own research on why we first are “supposed” to wear bras and the benefits and then I did my research on why we really don’t need to wear bras. So I’ll show you some of the pro’s and con’s of both. The bra industry is was made to make woman think we need to wear bras, that it would keep them from sagging, or it would help with back support, that it helps keep them under control when being active.

Pros

1. Going bra-less actually help your breast stay perky. Wondering why? Your breast have natural muscles that keep them up. When you wear a bra your body becomes less depended on its own muscles and more on the bra to keep them up. By the time we’re in our 50’s we have saggy breast and that muscle like all other muscles becomes soft when unused.
2. It helps blood circulation, when wearing a bra it can cause restriction from the bands around your upper body. So even if you don’t feel comfortable not wearing a bra all day. As soon as you get home take that bitch off!! lol.
3. Its a lot more comfortable when you go all day without it. Once you get passed the feeling of not wearing a bra you get comfortable with walking around like if you had one on. It becomes normal…. eventually.
4. Pro for me… I have a slip disc in my lower spine, and when I wear bra it tends to make me uncomfortable throughout the day. But once I get home and take my bra off I feel a lot better. So I decided to go a whole week without wearing one and I’ve only had one day with a back problem and to add I was on my period that day and cramps are a bitch.
5. Save money! Bra are expensive. And I like Victoria Secret and Pink bras, those are 40-50 dollars. Overall it a cost that can be cut.

Cons

1. Nipping. Uggghhhh the worst of the worst. This the one thing that made me feel super uncomfortable when I was at work or out and about. So I researched things I could do to stop nipping. Because shit it gets cold in my build and my nipples are pieced so they automatically get hard.
2. Getting used to being without a bra. I’ve been wearing a bra since I was 11 years old. It becomes a part of your routine. Underwear, bra, shirt, pants, socks. So getting used to not using that one thing is hard to forget. But I’ve gotten used to it.
3. Having big boobs so you supposedly need a bra. Now I don’t know to much on this because I am a C cup but here is a really good article on woman with big boobs and going braless .

 

Things that can help with going braless

Pasties !

These are reusable up to to 30 times, you can clean the with a mid soap and they are ready to go. I like these for when I’m wearing camisoles.

Nipple shields

These have to be my absolute favorite!! Its self adhesive, which means it stick to your body when it warms up and once it’s stuck it not going anywhere! Once again its reusable.

A Quick Breast Lift

 

These are awesome for regular tee shirts! It comes with pasties. It lifts your breast up and makes them look even perkier. Con of course it not reusable but I like this as well.

In the picture above I’m wearing the breast lift and I have to say it was perfect. I wasn’t uncomfortable, my nipples weren’t showing and it had a nice natural lift look.

Overall I can tell a little difference in my breast and myself confidence in my body. Slowly but surely I’m learning to accept my body as is. Now I know what your thinking where are all your bras at??? Still at home. I only use them when needed which is usually for special occasions. And if people are staring at you because they can see your nipple stare right back at them. You shouldn’t feel shamed for YOUR body. Let the nipple be free!

 

Live Healthy ❤

 

recognize.

 

A lot of times people think that their accomplishments have to go recognize. But they really don’t. I always tell people that the things I do and the reason I work so hard for the things I want in life is because I do it for myself, not for my kids, not for my family, not for my friends. I do what I want or need to give me the sense of accomplishment. I don’t do it so someone can give me a pat on the back. So just because you don’t see me moving doesn’t mean things aren’t in motion.

15 Day Blog Challenge – Ten Facts About Me

1. I love animals, cats, dogs, fish, rabbits you name it. I’ve always had a pet since I was a baby. It was a black cat names Loco Gato “the crazy cat” lol
2. I have 11 tattoos, and planning on getting the rest of my arm completed by the end of this year.
3. I have no fashion sense, I suck at picking out my clothes. But I can put a outfit together for anyone and it will look great on them. But me lol nahhh! t-shirt and yoga or workout pants and I’m happy.
4. I had postpartum. I didn’t know i had it until my kids came home. They were in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for two months and when they came home I noticed I was a little depressed.
5. Long ago I did used to self harm. It was a dark period in my life, but i chose to live in the light, and see the good in every situation, than the negative.
6. I didn’t know what I wanted to do in college, I have changed my major 4 times in the last 7 years. Psychology, Early Education, Network Systems Administration,  and now Business Administration with a double minor in Contracting and Management.
7. I have been to four universities and colleges.
8. I have always hated seeing people get bullied, I would always stand up for someone I felt needed a helping hand.
9. My cousins death took a real toll on me mentally
10. Whenever I feel like my mind is to busy and I just need to breathe. I get in my car and will drive for hours until I think everything through.

Rather Die Young

“Boy you’ll be the death of me
You’re my James Dean
You make me feel like I’m seventeen
You drive too fast, you smoke too much
But that don’t mean a thing
‘Cause I’m addicted to the rush”

Its something about being in love and feeling like a teenager. That makes me feel like everyday can always be a good day even when it’s bad. Or someone pisses me off, work becomes overwhelming. I got someone that is literally everything I need.

Mirrors

“Yesterday is history
Tomorrow’s a mystery”

This is probably one of my favorite songs from 2013, to the point were I’m thinking about getting this quote tattoo on me. “Serious face” But Its just something to think about. Because in fact it is. Yesterday has happened there is nothing that I can do to change any of my actions or decisions. But tomorrow is always the future. You have no idea what could possibly be there. So don’t reflect to hard on the past. When the future is tomorrow.

Live Healthy! ❤